I could go into all of the things that are bothering me and/or being dealt with, but for this forum, I just don't want to. I think I just want to make a couple of things clear: I'm not perfect, I have struggles, growing up is painful, jealousy will eat you alive (especially when suppressed), and God is so faithful. And gracious. And a plethora of other wonderful characteristics. But faithfulness is one that I'm continually learning and thus, will be the theme of this particular post.
Currently, "Come Thou Fount" is in my head...more particularly the line that says, "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it..." That chorus keeps repeating itself on a loop in my thoughts. A friend of mine was telling me the other day that he wants to have faith but he keeps doubting. I told him that there will always be doubt, that's why Christianity is called faith. Faith is not just a state of mind or a fluffy word that righteous ones toss around. Faith is an action. I have a friend who says "the idea of faith is not where people struggle, but in the application." How true is that?!
With faith, comes doubt. With doubt, comes blurred lines. With blurred lines, there is a wandering. Prone to wander. Can it be? A follower of Jesus -one called to ministry- can be prone to wander? I didn't think so just a few years ago. Now, I am convinced that this one is more prone to than perhaps another. Of course, I speak of myself.
When I was young, unemployed, home-schooled, and anti-social of my own choosing- I spent hours seeking the Lord. Sometimes, for a certain reason or answer. Other times it was just because. I had a relationship with the Living God. The Word of God was alive and active. I wanted everyone to know about Jesus and His salvation. I loved the silence and waiting on God and couldn't understand how people either avoided it or struggled with it.
I NEVER would have thought that I would wander away from that and wrestle with the silence.
But I did.
But I am.
This process is exciting and painful in the most unexplainable ways. I know that God takes us through trials by fire to purify us. Lord, I need purified.
I don't want to start a sob story. My life's not that bad. I'm moving to California in about two weeks.
To say I'm getting spiritually attacked would be an understatement of epic proportion.
So far this week I have: ended an ungodly friendship, subconsciously gone back to an ungodly relationship, had a godly friendship ended, fought with my parents, succumbed to temptation, realized that I am jealous of my brother, been bombarded with perverted thoughts, doubted my calling, hated myself; to name a few... Fire.
It is a paralyzing thought to be going into ministry with all of this....junk.
Another thought (from scripture, actually) "many are called, few are chosen." Why are only a few chosen?
I like to say that if you think following Jesus is easy, then you're not really following Him. Yes, it's true that His yoke is easy and He has a light burden. However, this doesn't mean cake-walk-Christianity. I've come to believe that this simply means, He gives us the grace to carry His load. A yoke is still dependent upon the one yoked to you. A burden is still a load, though light.
I usually think that my burdens and loads are nothing compared to what they could be much less to what someone else is carrying. I think that this thought may be a trap from the enemy because it usually led me to ignore my load. Pretending that something doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. Why would it be any other way with an undealt with issue? I'm starting to see that an issue is an issue. A small problem is still a problem. And ignoring them will only cause a pressure to build and a burden to increase in size. Then it's almost crippling.
About a year ago, I met and fell in love with a man whom God did not purpose me to be with. Well, as far as I currently know. This man became a very close friend of mine. I daresay, my best friend. We had broken up and gotten back together several times; and always for the same reasons. Faith. Differences. Parents did not approve.
Recently, the Lord got a hold of me and exposed my heart for what it truly was hiding. I was told to let go. And I did. For about three weeks. He and I began talking again and soon enough, found ourselves right back where we left off. I'm to the point that i don't know how to handle this situation because we both have gone back on our word too many times. Obedience to the Lord is hard when it's something I want. Rebellion soon became my attitude, subconsciously. You see, I don't like to give up things I want. I don't like to lose friends. I don't like good-bye's.
Who does?
In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea where he and I will be next year much less, next month. Will we be friends? Will we be talking at all? The unknown scares me! This is why I have such difficulty letting go. I want to hold on because I think that if I hold on by a thread, the whole thing won't entirely unravel. I want it to stay intact.
What does God want?
Well, I know what He wants right now. It's the future that I'm not sure about. You know, the one He knows and plans and holds.
O, me of little faith.
I want the Lord to find me faithful.
I hate feeling alone.
I have been told that I am set-apart. I believe this. I have seen it's evidence in my life from the time I was a child. I see it's evidence now. That doesn't mean I like it. Granted, I love what that means! but the yoke is pretty tight and the burden is unbearable at times.
I've thought about telling God to forget it.
Then I think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Jesus knew who He was, felt alone, knew He was set apart, and knew God's ultimate plan for Him. At least, I'm fairly certain about the last part. Isn't that a thought!? The Son of God, fully man and fully God, may not have known the ultimate plan. Wrestle with that one! Anyway, in the Garden he prayed, "Father, if it's Your will, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, your will be done." He was going to die and excruciating death. He could have called on 10,000 angels. He could have told God nevermind and rejoined His father on the heavenly throne. He could have said that He preferred this life on earth and asked to remain human. He could have done anything.
He chose God's will.
God's will was His death. His sacrifice. His salvation.
So, how can I dare to tell God nevermind? I don't know who I'd be affecting. Or for how long!
See? I'm prone to wander. I feel it. It envelops me the majority of the time because I don't know what I'm facing.
The next part of that hymn says "Take my heart Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above."
I love Song of Solomon 2:8-9..."Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm."
I guess I'll close with that. Lord set me as a seal. Seal my heart.
Psalm 37:4
