It's a cloudy day in Southern California today, but not to worry, it's still morning time and by noon, the clouds will pass and the sun will shine through bringing a warmth of 75 degrees to my new home. I suppose that God is working in my life the same way...starting off it seems overcast and dull, but waiting with expectation that the sun (Son) will shine through. Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring light to my dark places.
Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring warmth to the coldness that I so often feel.
Waiting that He will do everything He promised.
Waiting, despite the circumstance, knowing that He will come through.
Ever shining.
I must confess that I feel as though I'm on vacation. It hasn't completely sunk that I'm living here. That this is home. That I must stay focused and not get comfortable with familiarity because there is no turning back.
It feels amazing.
I love knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me, that I have obeyed His word to "go", and I'm under His covering.
I do struggle however because circumstances aren't the greatest and the Lord is teaching me total surrender, total abandonment to His love, total trust, walking in faith, and showing me that He alone will provide for me.
And He has!
It's not always the way that I think it will come about, but I'm not in want for anything. This whole two months of 2011 has been one thing after the other. Things going wrong and testing my faith. Things threatening to take over me. Things coming up in my life that I had thought I dealt with but hadn't. Feelings of inadequacy. Things that are vying for my attention and cause me to look away from Christ. Things that are planting themselves in my mind and heart that may not necessarily be from God. Things from the past that are trying to be part of my present and even future. And other things.
Through this whole process, thus far, I'm getting more and more into an "I don't care" attitude. Let me explain.
About a week ago, a friend texted me a scripture "Apart from God there is no good thing." Psalm 16:2. This verse has sunk its teeth into me and I keep turning it around and around in my heart as it grips my darkest places. yep, I can say the Lord is washing me with this word. This is a logos word that has become rhema to me. God keeps reminding me of this and I'll speak it over myself as a meditative thought. It's changing me. Which is a good thing. Recently, my friend asked why I was so frustrated. I didn't even think that I was, but apparently it was evident enough to cause him to say something to me. And that bothered me. This isn't me. I'm not a frustrated or even angry person. I suppose that I overthink alot and it causes me to be stressed out but not really frustrated.
What has been going on is this: I have nothing. Apart from God.
I left my family, friends, church, career and comfort zone and moved 3,000 miles across country. God told me to.
I ended a two year relationship that I knew God wasn't condoning because God told me to.
I ended a 5 year friendship that was taking a toll on me because God told me to.
Upon moving here, I searched for a job and got hired but there is no stability. I have no financial security.
I'm starting new in a place that is unfamiliar to me and sometimes it's emotionallly taxing but ultimately good.
I have a word from the Lord for what He wants me to do in this church but right now, that's not happening.
I'm fighting witih my emotions and loyalties, constantly having to give them to Jesus, so I don't get distracted.
I don't have my own place yet and sometimes feel like I'm not up to par with where I think my life should be.
But God is so incredibly faithful.
He's bringing me into close fellowship with like-minded believers.
He's showing me what the body of Christ is really supposed to be.
He's answering my long-term prayer of having friendships that are God centered.
He's helping me let go of things that I don't need to be holding onto.
He's providing for me with what I need, day by day, through some miraculous provision.
He's captivating me with His love and giving me an abundance of time to know Him.
He's bringing vision and revelation to me about me and about others.
He's letting me know that I'm pleasing to Him.
And really, nothing else can compare with that. God created the world and chose the word "good" to describe it. So when God says that I've done a good job...think of that implication. I want to get to that point. desperately.
There is such an amazing vision God has given Sound Chapel. It reaches beyond the spiritual needs and into the physical needs. I'm so excited because what God is calling us to be is literally, an Acts 2 church.
having all things in common. taking care of the poor and needy, widows and orphans. meeting together daily. having our numbers increased daily. haivng signs and miracles following us. having the Spirit moving in power. going out and preaching the gospel. discipling people. and sending people out into the mission field-nationally and internationally.
This is the church that Christ is looking for. pure and spotless bride...Oh man! That's another note for another time perhaps, because God keeps revealing the most simplest of things. Maybe not so much revealing, as a wake up call. I keep asking the question, "why do we not take God literally at His word?!" be it spoken or written. There are between 3,000 and 8,000 promises in the Bible. How many do you know? how many do I know? Do we actually believe God and that He is who He says and will do what He has promised. I can say that I don't fully because if I did, my life would look so much different. And this, is EXACTLY where I need to be. Exactly where God wants me to be. This kind of faith in action will cause mountains to be moved and God's spirit to move freely. Oh, and not to mention we'll actually stand out in this world. Which I know I'm not really standing out. And the more I think about this stuff, the more I really get frustrated with myself. Why am I ever complicating the simple?! Over analyzing and over looking the most blatant truths. ugh, forget about it. I'm just gonna go hard. All in. No turning back.
This IS going to be the year that will mark my oath to Christ that I'm not going to go anywhere, do anything, say anything, etc until He tells me to. THEN I'm going to wait for His instructions and how to carry this out. Then i'm going to do it or say it the FIRST time. I'm so tired of delaying what God has. It's so much better than what I have. And surrender and rejection do not go hand in hand. It's one or the other. So I choose surrender.
This world has nothing for me. I will follow Jesus.
