Upwards and Onwards

Hello to all of my wonderful and faithful followers, and welcome to those who are new to this blog. How are you all doing?

I have to say that I am doing well, but things have been pretty testing lately. With finances, with my relationship with Jeffrey, with immense longing to see my family, with feeling inadequate, with not completely understanding circumstances but being required to walk by faith, etc, etc.

God is good. And He is faithful. And He is opening doors for me to walk through all the while being guided by peace.

And things are looking up! :)

I'm learning lots of things and being stretched in many ways and I still am convinced that moving to SoCal was and is the best decision I have yet to make. I'm learning that walking in the center of God's will is the best place to be. I'm learning that when God says to let go and when God says to hold on; there is a seriousness to the command. I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient.

I'm learning all of those things through being here and living life.

But through my relationship with Jeffrey, through this absolute knowing that God has brought us together to be married, given to us by His specific Word; I am learning love.

I am learning that love is an action and also a way of thinking that reaches far beyond and past infatuation, emotion, and feeling. Even mutual interest. Love is the thing that stands when everything else is falling apart and even then, it is the thing that moves you to stand when it's so much easier to run away.

And in recent times, it would have been easier to run away. But that is the cowards way.

Worse. It's completely and utterly against GOD'S way.

Which is perfect. By the way.

Love is patient. Kind. Not envious. Keeps no record of wrong. Doesn't boast. Isn't proud. Hopes all things. Believes all things. And everything else written in 1 Corinthians 13. You know it.

I'm learning the very real and practical application. I'm hoping and believing for my marriage, before it's a legal thing, despite circumstances. It's pretty difficult.

I'm learning to be open and honest, I'm getting alot of things exposed that i need to work on, and I'm learning how to be selfless. I'm really, learning alot of things. It's all good. I'm very excited.

In other news, I'm moving tomorrow!!!!! God completely opened the door to share a room in an apartment with a friend and it's totally affordable. In Huntington Beach. Surf city. Home of the skaters. Full of more people that need Jesus. I'm just really excited to buy new bedding, to have a bed, to have space again, to meet new people, to have a new dimension to be trusting Jesus in, and even moreso to see His word to me about having favour and being in want for nothing to come to pass. WHICH it totally has been, since day one of moving here. It's absolutely incredible.

Today, a man named Willie called our church and said "I want God." Brian gave him the gospel and led him to Jesus, and now he wants to go hard after God. He has lost everything because of bondages but is ready and willing to have Jesus work a miracle in his life. Which HE will. Because He's faithful and He's a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. So pray for Willie. We're very excited about this lost soul being found and restored back to Jesus. Praise God for the harvest!

I'm really tired right now, but am trying to update this thing as much as possible. There's just so much going on. And some of it, I can't put on here. Yet.

Oooo! I'll be in my hometown, staying with my family- along with my love and our friend- from May 24-30. I can't WAIT to see my family, to cuddle with my mom, to talk with my brothers, to compare stories, to see the growth (and I hear GREAT things from my brothers about their spiritual lives), to eat my mom and Jerrad's cooking, to scare my dad, to see my friends, to be a part of my home church, to have my love be a part of my family and see a part of me that is severed by the distance, and a multitude of other things.

So May 28th at some point in the evening til some time in the morning, everyone should come to my families house because we're gonna be partying! Which entails: bonfires, food, ME, friends, more food, beverages, ME, story telling, laughter, ME, jokes, songs, jam sessions, and other things. Oh, and I will be there. Along with my love, Jeffrey and our friend, Chris.. It will be a fantastic time and so you all must MUST come :) I want to see as many people, friends and family, as possible whilst I'm in Medina. And it will go by fast. Just saying.

Good night and God bless fellow friends, family, and foes!

It's All about the growth...

I've decided that in addition to my personal journal, it's time I regularly update this thing! I'm out here in California and God is SO on the move! Things that God has been telling me for the last year are now actually beginning to come to pass. The most exciting thing about all of this is that everytime I pray, I get the feeling that God wants to excite me. Surprise me. Take me on an incredible, thrilling journey that I'll never forget. He's answering all of my deepest longings (in His perfect timing) and I'm seeing the intricate web that He's weaving throughout my life.

Everything that I said I never would do, God is not only calling me and equipping me to do them but also giving me such an amazing amount of grace to obey His directions.

Speaking of direction...this is so important! I read on my dear mentor and previous youth pastor's facebook status recently this quote: "Sometimes, we are supposed to be waiting on God. Other time's, God is waiting for us. Pray for discernment to know when to wait and when to act." This quote struck me so deep to my core that it sprung forth a new string of thoughts. One of them being a specific Word from the Lord when I was in Israel that said, "If you're willing, I'll use you. If you're ready, I'll call you. If not, I'll wait for you." The fact that I had/have in my grasp the choice to make the Creator of all things WAIT for ME- is an awesome thought. Awesome but also fearful. As in, oh my gosh! The fear of God is definitely consuming me right now! Currently, this Word can be applied to everything going on with me; even though the initial word was regarding my move to California.

My life is very much a "one step at a time" regime. This is new to me and is stretching me beyond what I ever thought possible. Funny thing is that I know it's only the beginning of the beginning. God is so cool like that! He takes what I said "never!" and turns around to "sounds good Lord!". yep. He gets His way in the end. I've fought with God for many things, many different times, always losing. But like the story of Jacob wrestling with God, our fights change the way we walk. You can't fight or wrestle with God and expect to come away the same. Your walk will always change. You will always learn something new and a new dimension of application along with God's character. Which oddly enough, we will never fully know, on earth.

All that being said, what has been going on?! Well, the past few paragraphs were a prelude to my life as we know it. I never see the excitement and intricacies as I'm living them out. Until I talk to my mom, grandma, or brother(s) about them and then the awesomeness of God and the connection of the situation blow my mind! This is why I write everything down. I will forget. And most of the time, in addition to not remembering, I will take it all for granted and miss the story completely.

I was so utterly excited this morning that I woke up at 5:30am, laying in bed, laughing to myself at God's amazing ways and how they're all working. I'm seeing how God caused all things- good and bad- to work together for my good because I'm called and loved by God. And as I pray, I hear God telling me that He wants to surprise me, that what He's planning is going to be a total shock to me and all of His work is going to blow me away. He said that He's so excited to show me what He's doing because He loves me. That, in and of itself, amazes me! God is excited about the work He has for me and the plans He has for me?! WOW!

God has told me some pretty crazy things over the past 2 years, some of which includes my purpose for being in California, who I'm going to marry, songs that I'm going to write and what they'll be used for, specific plans/visions for my ministry through worship, and others. Most of the time, I sit and stare at the words penned in my journal and think, "how in the world is that going to work?!" Is it possible to know who you're going to marry when you've only known them a month? Is it possible to be the conduit that God uses to bring heaven and earth together in one place? Is it possible to be so young and inexperienced and thrown into the position of Creative Arts Pastor?

Absolutely. Yes. Amen.

Why? Because Jesus has clearly said, that with Him all things are possible.

He has clearly said, if I delight in Him that He will give me the desires of my heart.

He has clearly said, ask anything in My Name and it will be given to you.

He has clearly said, I have good plans for you that will give you a hope and future

Basically, God Himself, through His written Word, has said- It's possible.

Keeping focused and heeding to the Word of the Lord, keeping in tune with the Spirit and obeying His promptings. Believing His Word and acting on it in faith....despite circumstances.

God has ordained and spoken and predestined some crazy things! Much of which we read throughout the Old and New Testament, so why then, do we think- do I think- that something as simple as a ministerial position, a move, or a spouse; is beyond God's capability?

The most incredible part about all of this, is that it's okay and encouraged to be totally transparent and specific with God. So I took this word and ran with it...to the cross.

On Valentine's Day, I began praying for my future husband; being VERY specific on all accounts and I truly felt/heard God saying, "this is the one I have for you." Regarding someone I already know and care for. Though not completely knowing eachother, and God is starting to speak things and work things and it's difficult for me to just let it be. I find that I'm so guarded at times, paralyzed with the fear of "missing God"; that I push away and/or deny what He is blatantly orchestrating. There's always the "but what if..." However, there should never be a "what if " with God. It's His way when it's His word. And He never lies or goes back on His word. Our response to the Word is what will delay or reject His Word coming to fruition. That's where, I believe, we find the co-existence of God's sovereignty and man's free will. He never changes, our response does. Funny thing is that when a heart is surrendered and seeking the perfect will of GOD, there's absolutely no chance of that person "missing" God. Recently, this man sent me a little numerical text that I decoded to be exactly what I had thought I knew about us for a year. And I don't know what to do with it. I took it to Jesus and said, here we go Lord, you're faithful, You know all things, and I want Your will to be done.

So I pray for wisdom.

...and discernment.

.....and patience.

......and I admit it, a whole slew of millions of other things.

The position that I'm going to walking into at Sound Chapel is: Creative Arts Pastor. That's right, I'm going to be receiving my Foursquare Credentials. the ones I said, I would never get and God said, yes you are. To work in a church that I said, I'm never going to and God said, yes you will. I'm going to be overseeing and envisioning things that are outside of my realm of knowledge and I sit here reading my job description and ask God, "how in the heck is this going to work?! I'm not doing this! I can't do this!" and God says, "It will work because it's my plan for you, you are going to do this and you can do it because it's going to be my perfect strength working in you. I'm going to excite you! I'm going to show you what I'm capable of and what you're capable of through Me. You will not be able to doubt."

The circumstance rarely lines up with what God has said. In the beginning, at least. But faith is believing and acting. It's "the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen."

And so now I'm at yet another crossroad, I either say "Yes and amen" to the promises of God and wait on His perfect timing for their fruition; or say "Okay, whatever" and choose to reject the promises of God as my own wishful thinking or my weakness being my disqualifier.

God keeps bringing this notion to my mind, "Do not call damned what I have called blessed." Ironically, it goes along with a scriptural word that our church has been hearing from Acts, " do not call unclean what i have called clean."

And on that note, I think i'm going to go to bed. There's alot more to be said but for now, that will give you all a deeper insight into my heart and mind! I'm SO absolutely ecstatic about the work of God and as it develops, I'll write and reveal more. God has been very specific with me about things lately but this is not the forum nor the moment to reveal them.

Until next time, Ciao!

Lessons, love, and my life as of late

It's a cloudy day in Southern California today, but not to worry, it's still morning time and by noon, the clouds will pass and the sun will shine through bringing a warmth of 75 degrees to my new home. I suppose that God is working in my life the same way...starting off it seems overcast and dull, but waiting with expectation that the sun (Son) will shine through. Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring light to my dark places.

Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring warmth to the coldness that I so often feel.

Waiting that He will do everything He promised.

Waiting, despite the circumstance, knowing that He will come through.

Ever shining.

I must confess that I feel as though I'm on vacation. It hasn't completely sunk that I'm living here. That this is home. That I must stay focused and not get comfortable with familiarity because there is no turning back.

It feels amazing.

I love knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me, that I have obeyed His word to "go", and I'm under His covering.

I do struggle however because circumstances aren't the greatest and the Lord is teaching me total surrender, total abandonment to His love, total trust, walking in faith, and showing me that He alone will provide for me.

And He has!

It's not always the way that I think it will come about, but I'm not in want for anything. This whole two months of 2011 has been one thing after the other. Things going wrong and testing my faith. Things threatening to take over me. Things coming up in my life that I had thought I dealt with but hadn't. Feelings of inadequacy. Things that are vying for my attention and cause me to look away from Christ. Things that are planting themselves in my mind and heart that may not necessarily be from God. Things from the past that are trying to be part of my present and even future. And other things.

Through this whole process, thus far, I'm getting more and more into an "I don't care" attitude. Let me explain.

About a week ago, a friend texted me a scripture "Apart from God there is no good thing." Psalm 16:2. This verse has sunk its teeth into me and I keep turning it around and around in my heart as it grips my darkest places. yep, I can say the Lord is washing me with this word. This is a logos word that has become rhema to me. God keeps reminding me of this and I'll speak it over myself as a meditative thought. It's changing me. Which is a good thing. Recently, my friend asked why I was so frustrated. I didn't even think that I was, but apparently it was evident enough to cause him to say something to me. And that bothered me. This isn't me. I'm not a frustrated or even angry person. I suppose that I overthink alot and it causes me to be stressed out but not really frustrated.

What has been going on is this: I have nothing. Apart from God.

I left my family, friends, church, career and comfort zone and moved 3,000 miles across country. God told me to.

I ended a two year relationship that I knew God wasn't condoning because God told me to.

I ended a 5 year friendship that was taking a toll on me because God told me to.

Upon moving here, I searched for a job and got hired but there is no stability. I have no financial security.

I'm starting new in a place that is unfamiliar to me and sometimes it's emotionallly taxing but ultimately good.

I have a word from the Lord for what He wants me to do in this church but right now, that's not happening.

I'm fighting witih my emotions and loyalties, constantly having to give them to Jesus, so I don't get distracted.

I don't have my own place yet and sometimes feel like I'm not up to par with where I think my life should be.

But God is so incredibly faithful.

He's bringing me into close fellowship with like-minded believers.

He's showing me what the body of Christ is really supposed to be.

He's answering my long-term prayer of having friendships that are God centered.

He's helping me let go of things that I don't need to be holding onto.

He's providing for me with what I need, day by day, through some miraculous provision.

He's captivating me with His love and giving me an abundance of time to know Him.

He's bringing vision and revelation to me about me and about others.

He's letting me know that I'm pleasing to Him.

And really, nothing else can compare with that. God created the world and chose the word "good" to describe it. So when God says that I've done a good job...think of that implication. I want to get to that point. desperately.

There is such an amazing vision God has given Sound Chapel. It reaches beyond the spiritual needs and into the physical needs. I'm so excited because what God is calling us to be is literally, an Acts 2 church.

having all things in common. taking care of the poor and needy, widows and orphans. meeting together daily. having our numbers increased daily. haivng signs and miracles following us. having the Spirit moving in power. going out and preaching the gospel. discipling people. and sending people out into the mission field-nationally and internationally.

This is the church that Christ is looking for. pure and spotless bride...Oh man! That's another note for another time perhaps, because God keeps revealing the most simplest of things. Maybe not so much revealing, as a wake up call. I keep asking the question, "why do we not take God literally at His word?!" be it spoken or written. There are between 3,000 and 8,000 promises in the Bible. How many do you know? how many do I know? Do we actually believe God and that He is who He says and will do what He has promised. I can say that I don't fully because if I did, my life would look so much different. And this, is EXACTLY where I need to be. Exactly where God wants me to be. This kind of faith in action will cause mountains to be moved and God's spirit to move freely. Oh, and not to mention we'll actually stand out in this world. Which I know I'm not really standing out. And the more I think about this stuff, the more I really get frustrated with myself. Why am I ever complicating the simple?! Over analyzing and over looking the most blatant truths. ugh, forget about it. I'm just gonna go hard. All in. No turning back.

This IS going to be the year that will mark my oath to Christ that I'm not going to go anywhere, do anything, say anything, etc until He tells me to. THEN I'm going to wait for His instructions and how to carry this out. Then i'm going to do it or say it the FIRST time. I'm so tired of delaying what God has. It's so much better than what I have. And surrender and rejection do not go hand in hand. It's one or the other. So I choose surrender.

This world has nothing for me. I will follow Jesus.