Let it go and live it out

So...I've been thinking lately, I really need to get back into some of my old habits. Reading more. Writing more. Studying the Bible more. Allowing the music to play a little longer. Send cards in the mail to friends. And overall, just be intentional about my life and where it's going.

Because, you see, my life isn't anything like what I thought it would be. 
      That's. Not. A. Bad. Thing.
            At least....
                           Not anymore.

In the last five years, I've learned more about God, myself, and my friends than I ever have before. I've loved, I've lost, I've sunk so low that I literally prayed for God to take me, I made quick decisions to uproot (again), and went through a horrible breakup that took me a year to get over. I've struggled in my faith, questioned God, hated God, nearly walked away from God, walked away from the church, joined a House of Prayer, left a House of Prayer, made friends, lost friends, had 3 jobs, tried internet dating, failed at internet dating, and cried. a lot.
                                                     HOWEVER
     My experiences aren't what define me, but they've shaped who I've become.

I can honestly say, I have NO regrets. Why would I!?
Sure, I could have done things differently...
    I could have let the guy go when he first wanted out...
         I could have worked harder to make it in California...
              I could have saved money as a high schooler and done...anything
                   I could have...

But I didn't. I made mistakes. I got hurt. I dug myself into a financial black hole. I moved back home.

I'm still single. But I'm so happy. Sure, sometimes that bothers me but I've decided not to let it.

I've decided to let it go. Let all. of. it. go. and just....live!

A few months ago, my oldest, closest friend and I talked about dating.
    My thoughts got away from me and I thought...maybe this is it.
Last week he changed his mind. And I said goodbye to a near decade of friendship.

And even in that, I don't have regrets.

I'm 26 and right now my mom -who is also my realtor- is submitting an offer for a house.
   That I'm buying. For myself.

First, I never thought that I would be in any position to have new car, let alone apply for a mortgage!

So, I'm going to write again. Because I enjoy it. And because I know that there have to be so many others like me who perhaps are giving up. Or about to.

I can tell you about hard work, patience, perseverence, wallowing in self pity, getting depressed, letting your emotions dictate your actions, etc.
  
   But you've heard all that before.
       Just as I did.

 You have to LIVE and EXPERIENCE for yourself, your own freedom.

You have to look up and see where you fell, dust off your hands, smooth the wrinkles and say,              
                   "Well, that was unexpected. Nothing left to do but move on."

     You have to get so tired of the rut that you do whatever it takes to start walking again.
 
          You have to discover that thing that will push you over the edge.

                             ......    And it will happen. ......

Not to sound narcissistic, but you have to do what makes you happy, what works for you.

There is no societal mold that everyone fits in. It's a lie.

We all grow up. We all have shit. We all want more.

 Sorry, but the grass isn't always greener. So stop comparing.

One thing that started changing it all for me, was being thankful.

I know that it sounds lame and christian-y; but there's a beautiful pearl of wisdom. Being thankful causes you to look for blessings in places you wouldn't think. It causes you to see your possessions as treasures. It causes you to deepen friendships. Rediscover passions...
                    And baby, your confidence S O A  R S!

Anyway, I really needed to get that off my chest.

In a sense, this guy awakened a new thing in me. 
  Because for the first time ever, I didn't have a hard time letting him go. I didn't chase him...
                                                               .....And I really was O K A Y.

So, like I said, this is me. This is my story. This is my blog. This is my life.

I can only hope it touches you. blesses you. inspires you. somehow.

Also, you'll get to adventure with me as I fiigure out my new single, homeowner, diy, quarter of a century self.

Next up....telling you all my thoughts on God, the church, and where we got it wrong. We'll figure out how to make it right.
   So stay tuned!

Upwards and Onwards

Hello to all of my wonderful and faithful followers, and welcome to those who are new to this blog. How are you all doing?

I have to say that I am doing well, but things have been pretty testing lately. With finances, with my relationship with Jeffrey, with immense longing to see my family, with feeling inadequate, with not completely understanding circumstances but being required to walk by faith, etc, etc.

God is good. And He is faithful. And He is opening doors for me to walk through all the while being guided by peace.

And things are looking up! :)

I'm learning lots of things and being stretched in many ways and I still am convinced that moving to SoCal was and is the best decision I have yet to make. I'm learning that walking in the center of God's will is the best place to be. I'm learning that when God says to let go and when God says to hold on; there is a seriousness to the command. I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient.

I'm learning all of those things through being here and living life.

But through my relationship with Jeffrey, through this absolute knowing that God has brought us together to be married, given to us by His specific Word; I am learning love.

I am learning that love is an action and also a way of thinking that reaches far beyond and past infatuation, emotion, and feeling. Even mutual interest. Love is the thing that stands when everything else is falling apart and even then, it is the thing that moves you to stand when it's so much easier to run away.

And in recent times, it would have been easier to run away. But that is the cowards way.

Worse. It's completely and utterly against GOD'S way.

Which is perfect. By the way.

Love is patient. Kind. Not envious. Keeps no record of wrong. Doesn't boast. Isn't proud. Hopes all things. Believes all things. And everything else written in 1 Corinthians 13. You know it.

I'm learning the very real and practical application. I'm hoping and believing for my marriage, before it's a legal thing, despite circumstances. It's pretty difficult.

I'm learning to be open and honest, I'm getting alot of things exposed that i need to work on, and I'm learning how to be selfless. I'm really, learning alot of things. It's all good. I'm very excited.

In other news, I'm moving tomorrow!!!!! God completely opened the door to share a room in an apartment with a friend and it's totally affordable. In Huntington Beach. Surf city. Home of the skaters. Full of more people that need Jesus. I'm just really excited to buy new bedding, to have a bed, to have space again, to meet new people, to have a new dimension to be trusting Jesus in, and even moreso to see His word to me about having favour and being in want for nothing to come to pass. WHICH it totally has been, since day one of moving here. It's absolutely incredible.

Today, a man named Willie called our church and said "I want God." Brian gave him the gospel and led him to Jesus, and now he wants to go hard after God. He has lost everything because of bondages but is ready and willing to have Jesus work a miracle in his life. Which HE will. Because He's faithful and He's a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. So pray for Willie. We're very excited about this lost soul being found and restored back to Jesus. Praise God for the harvest!

I'm really tired right now, but am trying to update this thing as much as possible. There's just so much going on. And some of it, I can't put on here. Yet.

Oooo! I'll be in my hometown, staying with my family- along with my love and our friend- from May 24-30. I can't WAIT to see my family, to cuddle with my mom, to talk with my brothers, to compare stories, to see the growth (and I hear GREAT things from my brothers about their spiritual lives), to eat my mom and Jerrad's cooking, to scare my dad, to see my friends, to be a part of my home church, to have my love be a part of my family and see a part of me that is severed by the distance, and a multitude of other things.

So May 28th at some point in the evening til some time in the morning, everyone should come to my families house because we're gonna be partying! Which entails: bonfires, food, ME, friends, more food, beverages, ME, story telling, laughter, ME, jokes, songs, jam sessions, and other things. Oh, and I will be there. Along with my love, Jeffrey and our friend, Chris.. It will be a fantastic time and so you all must MUST come :) I want to see as many people, friends and family, as possible whilst I'm in Medina. And it will go by fast. Just saying.

Good night and God bless fellow friends, family, and foes!

It's All about the growth...

I've decided that in addition to my personal journal, it's time I regularly update this thing! I'm out here in California and God is SO on the move! Things that God has been telling me for the last year are now actually beginning to come to pass. The most exciting thing about all of this is that everytime I pray, I get the feeling that God wants to excite me. Surprise me. Take me on an incredible, thrilling journey that I'll never forget. He's answering all of my deepest longings (in His perfect timing) and I'm seeing the intricate web that He's weaving throughout my life.

Everything that I said I never would do, God is not only calling me and equipping me to do them but also giving me such an amazing amount of grace to obey His directions.

Speaking of direction...this is so important! I read on my dear mentor and previous youth pastor's facebook status recently this quote: "Sometimes, we are supposed to be waiting on God. Other time's, God is waiting for us. Pray for discernment to know when to wait and when to act." This quote struck me so deep to my core that it sprung forth a new string of thoughts. One of them being a specific Word from the Lord when I was in Israel that said, "If you're willing, I'll use you. If you're ready, I'll call you. If not, I'll wait for you." The fact that I had/have in my grasp the choice to make the Creator of all things WAIT for ME- is an awesome thought. Awesome but also fearful. As in, oh my gosh! The fear of God is definitely consuming me right now! Currently, this Word can be applied to everything going on with me; even though the initial word was regarding my move to California.

My life is very much a "one step at a time" regime. This is new to me and is stretching me beyond what I ever thought possible. Funny thing is that I know it's only the beginning of the beginning. God is so cool like that! He takes what I said "never!" and turns around to "sounds good Lord!". yep. He gets His way in the end. I've fought with God for many things, many different times, always losing. But like the story of Jacob wrestling with God, our fights change the way we walk. You can't fight or wrestle with God and expect to come away the same. Your walk will always change. You will always learn something new and a new dimension of application along with God's character. Which oddly enough, we will never fully know, on earth.

All that being said, what has been going on?! Well, the past few paragraphs were a prelude to my life as we know it. I never see the excitement and intricacies as I'm living them out. Until I talk to my mom, grandma, or brother(s) about them and then the awesomeness of God and the connection of the situation blow my mind! This is why I write everything down. I will forget. And most of the time, in addition to not remembering, I will take it all for granted and miss the story completely.

I was so utterly excited this morning that I woke up at 5:30am, laying in bed, laughing to myself at God's amazing ways and how they're all working. I'm seeing how God caused all things- good and bad- to work together for my good because I'm called and loved by God. And as I pray, I hear God telling me that He wants to surprise me, that what He's planning is going to be a total shock to me and all of His work is going to blow me away. He said that He's so excited to show me what He's doing because He loves me. That, in and of itself, amazes me! God is excited about the work He has for me and the plans He has for me?! WOW!

God has told me some pretty crazy things over the past 2 years, some of which includes my purpose for being in California, who I'm going to marry, songs that I'm going to write and what they'll be used for, specific plans/visions for my ministry through worship, and others. Most of the time, I sit and stare at the words penned in my journal and think, "how in the world is that going to work?!" Is it possible to know who you're going to marry when you've only known them a month? Is it possible to be the conduit that God uses to bring heaven and earth together in one place? Is it possible to be so young and inexperienced and thrown into the position of Creative Arts Pastor?

Absolutely. Yes. Amen.

Why? Because Jesus has clearly said, that with Him all things are possible.

He has clearly said, if I delight in Him that He will give me the desires of my heart.

He has clearly said, ask anything in My Name and it will be given to you.

He has clearly said, I have good plans for you that will give you a hope and future

Basically, God Himself, through His written Word, has said- It's possible.

Keeping focused and heeding to the Word of the Lord, keeping in tune with the Spirit and obeying His promptings. Believing His Word and acting on it in faith....despite circumstances.

God has ordained and spoken and predestined some crazy things! Much of which we read throughout the Old and New Testament, so why then, do we think- do I think- that something as simple as a ministerial position, a move, or a spouse; is beyond God's capability?

The most incredible part about all of this, is that it's okay and encouraged to be totally transparent and specific with God. So I took this word and ran with it...to the cross.

On Valentine's Day, I began praying for my future husband; being VERY specific on all accounts and I truly felt/heard God saying, "this is the one I have for you." Regarding someone I already know and care for. Though not completely knowing eachother, and God is starting to speak things and work things and it's difficult for me to just let it be. I find that I'm so guarded at times, paralyzed with the fear of "missing God"; that I push away and/or deny what He is blatantly orchestrating. There's always the "but what if..." However, there should never be a "what if " with God. It's His way when it's His word. And He never lies or goes back on His word. Our response to the Word is what will delay or reject His Word coming to fruition. That's where, I believe, we find the co-existence of God's sovereignty and man's free will. He never changes, our response does. Funny thing is that when a heart is surrendered and seeking the perfect will of GOD, there's absolutely no chance of that person "missing" God. Recently, this man sent me a little numerical text that I decoded to be exactly what I had thought I knew about us for a year. And I don't know what to do with it. I took it to Jesus and said, here we go Lord, you're faithful, You know all things, and I want Your will to be done.

So I pray for wisdom.

...and discernment.

.....and patience.

......and I admit it, a whole slew of millions of other things.

The position that I'm going to walking into at Sound Chapel is: Creative Arts Pastor. That's right, I'm going to be receiving my Foursquare Credentials. the ones I said, I would never get and God said, yes you are. To work in a church that I said, I'm never going to and God said, yes you will. I'm going to be overseeing and envisioning things that are outside of my realm of knowledge and I sit here reading my job description and ask God, "how in the heck is this going to work?! I'm not doing this! I can't do this!" and God says, "It will work because it's my plan for you, you are going to do this and you can do it because it's going to be my perfect strength working in you. I'm going to excite you! I'm going to show you what I'm capable of and what you're capable of through Me. You will not be able to doubt."

The circumstance rarely lines up with what God has said. In the beginning, at least. But faith is believing and acting. It's "the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen."

And so now I'm at yet another crossroad, I either say "Yes and amen" to the promises of God and wait on His perfect timing for their fruition; or say "Okay, whatever" and choose to reject the promises of God as my own wishful thinking or my weakness being my disqualifier.

God keeps bringing this notion to my mind, "Do not call damned what I have called blessed." Ironically, it goes along with a scriptural word that our church has been hearing from Acts, " do not call unclean what i have called clean."

And on that note, I think i'm going to go to bed. There's alot more to be said but for now, that will give you all a deeper insight into my heart and mind! I'm SO absolutely ecstatic about the work of God and as it develops, I'll write and reveal more. God has been very specific with me about things lately but this is not the forum nor the moment to reveal them.

Until next time, Ciao!

Lessons, love, and my life as of late

It's a cloudy day in Southern California today, but not to worry, it's still morning time and by noon, the clouds will pass and the sun will shine through bringing a warmth of 75 degrees to my new home. I suppose that God is working in my life the same way...starting off it seems overcast and dull, but waiting with expectation that the sun (Son) will shine through. Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring light to my dark places.

Knowing that He is ever faithful to bring warmth to the coldness that I so often feel.

Waiting that He will do everything He promised.

Waiting, despite the circumstance, knowing that He will come through.

Ever shining.

I must confess that I feel as though I'm on vacation. It hasn't completely sunk that I'm living here. That this is home. That I must stay focused and not get comfortable with familiarity because there is no turning back.

It feels amazing.

I love knowing that I'm exactly where God wants me, that I have obeyed His word to "go", and I'm under His covering.

I do struggle however because circumstances aren't the greatest and the Lord is teaching me total surrender, total abandonment to His love, total trust, walking in faith, and showing me that He alone will provide for me.

And He has!

It's not always the way that I think it will come about, but I'm not in want for anything. This whole two months of 2011 has been one thing after the other. Things going wrong and testing my faith. Things threatening to take over me. Things coming up in my life that I had thought I dealt with but hadn't. Feelings of inadequacy. Things that are vying for my attention and cause me to look away from Christ. Things that are planting themselves in my mind and heart that may not necessarily be from God. Things from the past that are trying to be part of my present and even future. And other things.

Through this whole process, thus far, I'm getting more and more into an "I don't care" attitude. Let me explain.

About a week ago, a friend texted me a scripture "Apart from God there is no good thing." Psalm 16:2. This verse has sunk its teeth into me and I keep turning it around and around in my heart as it grips my darkest places. yep, I can say the Lord is washing me with this word. This is a logos word that has become rhema to me. God keeps reminding me of this and I'll speak it over myself as a meditative thought. It's changing me. Which is a good thing. Recently, my friend asked why I was so frustrated. I didn't even think that I was, but apparently it was evident enough to cause him to say something to me. And that bothered me. This isn't me. I'm not a frustrated or even angry person. I suppose that I overthink alot and it causes me to be stressed out but not really frustrated.

What has been going on is this: I have nothing. Apart from God.

I left my family, friends, church, career and comfort zone and moved 3,000 miles across country. God told me to.

I ended a two year relationship that I knew God wasn't condoning because God told me to.

I ended a 5 year friendship that was taking a toll on me because God told me to.

Upon moving here, I searched for a job and got hired but there is no stability. I have no financial security.

I'm starting new in a place that is unfamiliar to me and sometimes it's emotionallly taxing but ultimately good.

I have a word from the Lord for what He wants me to do in this church but right now, that's not happening.

I'm fighting witih my emotions and loyalties, constantly having to give them to Jesus, so I don't get distracted.

I don't have my own place yet and sometimes feel like I'm not up to par with where I think my life should be.

But God is so incredibly faithful.

He's bringing me into close fellowship with like-minded believers.

He's showing me what the body of Christ is really supposed to be.

He's answering my long-term prayer of having friendships that are God centered.

He's helping me let go of things that I don't need to be holding onto.

He's providing for me with what I need, day by day, through some miraculous provision.

He's captivating me with His love and giving me an abundance of time to know Him.

He's bringing vision and revelation to me about me and about others.

He's letting me know that I'm pleasing to Him.

And really, nothing else can compare with that. God created the world and chose the word "good" to describe it. So when God says that I've done a good job...think of that implication. I want to get to that point. desperately.

There is such an amazing vision God has given Sound Chapel. It reaches beyond the spiritual needs and into the physical needs. I'm so excited because what God is calling us to be is literally, an Acts 2 church.

having all things in common. taking care of the poor and needy, widows and orphans. meeting together daily. having our numbers increased daily. haivng signs and miracles following us. having the Spirit moving in power. going out and preaching the gospel. discipling people. and sending people out into the mission field-nationally and internationally.

This is the church that Christ is looking for. pure and spotless bride...Oh man! That's another note for another time perhaps, because God keeps revealing the most simplest of things. Maybe not so much revealing, as a wake up call. I keep asking the question, "why do we not take God literally at His word?!" be it spoken or written. There are between 3,000 and 8,000 promises in the Bible. How many do you know? how many do I know? Do we actually believe God and that He is who He says and will do what He has promised. I can say that I don't fully because if I did, my life would look so much different. And this, is EXACTLY where I need to be. Exactly where God wants me to be. This kind of faith in action will cause mountains to be moved and God's spirit to move freely. Oh, and not to mention we'll actually stand out in this world. Which I know I'm not really standing out. And the more I think about this stuff, the more I really get frustrated with myself. Why am I ever complicating the simple?! Over analyzing and over looking the most blatant truths. ugh, forget about it. I'm just gonna go hard. All in. No turning back.

This IS going to be the year that will mark my oath to Christ that I'm not going to go anywhere, do anything, say anything, etc until He tells me to. THEN I'm going to wait for His instructions and how to carry this out. Then i'm going to do it or say it the FIRST time. I'm so tired of delaying what God has. It's so much better than what I have. And surrender and rejection do not go hand in hand. It's one or the other. So I choose surrender.

This world has nothing for me. I will follow Jesus.

Prone to wander...Oh, Lord! Do I feel it!

What is on my mind right now? Many things. Today was a rough day. Actually, the past week or so has been pretty rough. Granted, much of this is due to my inability to say no to the things that I want so much. The other side of this rough patch is 1)God dealing with me in areas that I thought were dealt with 2)Trying to forge my way into independence 3)My big move West 4)Trusting God in the unseen that is my life and 5)Intense spiritual warfare.

I could go into all of the things that are bothering me and/or being dealt with, but for this forum, I just don't want to. I think I just want to make a couple of things clear: I'm not perfect, I have struggles, growing up is painful, jealousy will eat you alive (especially when suppressed), and God is so faithful. And gracious. And a plethora of other wonderful characteristics. But faithfulness is one that I'm continually learning and thus, will be the theme of this particular post.

Currently, "Come Thou Fount" is in my head...more particularly the line that says, "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it..." That chorus keeps repeating itself on a loop in my thoughts. A friend of mine was telling me the other day that he wants to have faith but he keeps doubting. I told him that there will always be doubt, that's why Christianity is called faith. Faith is not just a state of mind or a fluffy word that righteous ones toss around. Faith is an action. I have a friend who says "the idea of faith is not where people struggle, but in the application." How true is that?!

With faith, comes doubt. With doubt, comes blurred lines. With blurred lines, there is a wandering. Prone to wander. Can it be? A follower of Jesus -one called to ministry- can be prone to wander? I didn't think so just a few years ago. Now, I am convinced that this one is more prone to than perhaps another. Of course, I speak of myself.

When I was young, unemployed, home-schooled, and anti-social of my own choosing- I spent hours seeking the Lord. Sometimes, for a certain reason or answer. Other times it was just because. I had a relationship with the Living God. The Word of God was alive and active. I wanted everyone to know about Jesus and His salvation. I loved the silence and waiting on God and couldn't understand how people either avoided it or struggled with it.

I NEVER would have thought that I would wander away from that and wrestle with the silence.

But I did.

But I am.

This process is exciting and painful in the most unexplainable ways. I know that God takes us through trials by fire to purify us. Lord, I need purified.

I don't want to start a sob story. My life's not that bad. I'm moving to California in about two weeks.

To say I'm getting spiritually attacked would be an understatement of epic proportion.

So far this week I have: ended an ungodly friendship, subconsciously gone back to an ungodly relationship, had a godly friendship ended, fought with my parents, succumbed to temptation, realized that I am jealous of my brother, been bombarded with perverted thoughts, doubted my calling, hated myself; to name a few... Fire.

It is a paralyzing thought to be going into ministry with all of this....junk.

Another thought (from scripture, actually) "many are called, few are chosen." Why are only a few chosen?

I like to say that if you think following Jesus is easy, then you're not really following Him. Yes, it's true that His yoke is easy and He has a light burden. However, this doesn't mean cake-walk-Christianity. I've come to believe that this simply means, He gives us the grace to carry His load. A yoke is still dependent upon the one yoked to you. A burden is still a load, though light.

I usually think that my burdens and loads are nothing compared to what they could be much less to what someone else is carrying. I think that this thought may be a trap from the enemy because it usually led me to ignore my load. Pretending that something doesn't exist doesn't make it go away. Why would it be any other way with an undealt with issue? I'm starting to see that an issue is an issue. A small problem is still a problem. And ignoring them will only cause a pressure to build and a burden to increase in size. Then it's almost crippling.

About a year ago, I met and fell in love with a man whom God did not purpose me to be with. Well, as far as I currently know. This man became a very close friend of mine. I daresay, my best friend. We had broken up and gotten back together several times; and always for the same reasons. Faith. Differences. Parents did not approve.

Recently, the Lord got a hold of me and exposed my heart for what it truly was hiding. I was told to let go. And I did. For about three weeks. He and I began talking again and soon enough, found ourselves right back where we left off. I'm to the point that i don't know how to handle this situation because we both have gone back on our word too many times. Obedience to the Lord is hard when it's something I want. Rebellion soon became my attitude, subconsciously. You see, I don't like to give up things I want. I don't like to lose friends. I don't like good-bye's.

Who does?

In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea where he and I will be next year much less, next month. Will we be friends? Will we be talking at all? The unknown scares me! This is why I have such difficulty letting go. I want to hold on because I think that if I hold on by a thread, the whole thing won't entirely unravel. I want it to stay intact.

What does God want?

Well, I know what He wants right now. It's the future that I'm not sure about. You know, the one He knows and plans and holds.

O, me of little faith.

I want the Lord to find me faithful.

I hate feeling alone.

I have been told that I am set-apart. I believe this. I have seen it's evidence in my life from the time I was a child. I see it's evidence now. That doesn't mean I like it. Granted, I love what that means! but the yoke is pretty tight and the burden is unbearable at times.

I've thought about telling God to forget it.

Then I think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Jesus knew who He was, felt alone, knew He was set apart, and knew God's ultimate plan for Him. At least, I'm fairly certain about the last part. Isn't that a thought!? The Son of God, fully man and fully God, may not have known the ultimate plan. Wrestle with that one! Anyway, in the Garden he prayed, "Father, if it's Your will, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, your will be done." He was going to die and excruciating death. He could have called on 10,000 angels. He could have told God nevermind and rejoined His father on the heavenly throne. He could have said that He preferred this life on earth and asked to remain human. He could have done anything.

He chose God's will.

God's will was His death. His sacrifice. His salvation.

So, how can I dare to tell God nevermind? I don't know who I'd be affecting. Or for how long!

See? I'm prone to wander. I feel it. It envelops me the majority of the time because I don't know what I'm facing.

The next part of that hymn says "Take my heart Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above."

I love Song of Solomon 2:8-9..."Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm."

I guess I'll close with that. Lord set me as a seal. Seal my heart.

Psalm 37:4

21 things to know about me, the almost 21 year old

I'm turning 21 in 2 days. Crazy! I remember being little and thought it was the most magical age but it was so far away. Well, it's in the not so distant future now. Here's a list of 21 random things:

21. I am currently in the process of re-writing, editing, and publishing a Bible Study called Deep Encounter with the Call. It's all about finding out what God's call on your life is, how to live in it through christian practices, and the enemy's strategy that opposes God's call. I first wrote it when I was sixteen and knew that God wanted to use it for something big. Get it on the market. I didn't think it was good enough so I put it off. Well, better late than never!

20. I absolutely hate losing friends. I hate connecting emotionally to someone and then dropping that connection. I hate getting close to people if the friendship/relationship doesn't go anywhere or just stops being. I have learned, however, that when God sets a standard, it's meant to be obeyed. When God gives a purpose for knowing someone, it's best to follow it and trust that He knows best. I have learned that when God removes friends from my life, it is because it was harming me in someway and He has a higher plan. He always replaces what was lost. It's always best to obey the Lord and surrender to Him. It's not easy. It still hurts. It's totally right.

19. I have a sense of humor! Ever since I was little, I always was told to lighten up or take a joke. Somewhere between now and then, I have gotten a sense of humor. It's late in development and usually shows itself in stupidity but I think it's hilarious! I love laughing and making people laugh, even if it's at my own expense. Hey! It keeps me humble! I also use "lol" ALOT! I find joy in little things and love to act absolutely ridiculous when I can to brighten someone's day- even my own. This is not to say that I can be and love depth and being serious- when I need to. I have clearly gone from quiet and introverted, to excited and extroverted! :)

18. I LOVE coffee! I probably have caffeine running through my blood but I can't help it. I love the taste, the color, the variety. I know a good cup of joe when i taste it and probably spend too much money on weekly latte's. Yes, this is an addiction; but it's not hurting anyone (except maybe my wallet, at times) Don't worry! I know how to control myself and stop when needed. I'm not the person that "needs" her coffee to wake up or survive the day. I just like it!

17. I have known since the beginning of this year 2010 that God was and is going to do something huge in my life. That I will step into my calling. That my prayer for what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go- will be answered. I have also known that I would probably be called to California. Why? I don't know. I always ask God to give me the desires of His heart and to put in me, the things and places and dreams that He has for me. I guess this is it. When I was visiting friends in California and helping with their church, i just knew that this was where God was calling me. He spoke to me during a prayer meeting one night and said, "What are you willing to sacrifice to receive the plans I have for you?....This is where i want you. Everything has prepared you for this moment. Trust me in everything, I'll bring everything to you without you having to do anything and you'll know that it's Me. You'll be here by September." Imagine my shock when I heard an actual plan instead of "wait." (which was what I was hearing the past two years) So needless to say, I'm trusting God and He's bringing me to Cali

16. Surrender. It's a word and action that I sing about. Write about. And try to put into practice. I have learned however, that surrendering is not telling God to take all of me and giving Him all of me- with my hand still over what I just gave Him. OR with me watching Him and deciding that it's really better off in my control. What a crock! God's ways are higher and more perfect than my ways. I have also realized that surrender is what allows God to bring His perfect will to pass in my life. The thing that I want desperately can finally come alive. Surrender.

15. If you know me or have seen anything that I've written, heard any conversations I have had, etc; you will know that I am totally obsessed with Jesus Christ. I will talk about Him in everything and will somehow bring Him up in every conversation. Some people get annoyed because I talk about Him and who He is and what He's done and doing and will do- ALOT. I don't think that this is a bad thing. I want my life to count and I'm not ashamed of Him and I will not be silent! If you don't like this, deal with it! :)

14. I love writing! I journal, write poetry, write songs (well, lyrics; sometimes music) I text 3 pages at a time, take ridiculously detailed notes, have more pens and notebooks than necessary, and want to do something with this. I have alot to say. I love words and making pictures out of them. I think that writing things down is a beautiful and important way to bring freedom to thoughts and memories come alive. Hence, why I am once again, blogging.

13. I love singing! More importantly, I love worshiping! When i was younger, I never wanted to sing in a church. I sang in karaoke contests, talent shows, and was on my worship team. But I really wanted to make it big! I recorded a few things before and tried entering into different "american idol" type gigs, but nothing ever came from them. looking back on it, I see how God had a very different plan. I am now a worship leader and there is nothing that brings me more joy! It's such a glorious and wonderful privilege to be able to lead others into His presence.

12. I had taken piano lessons for 2 years and still can't read sheet music. I think I find "c" and that's about it! I got so fed up with this because I really want to play piano, well. So, I went to Guitar Center, bought myself a chord chart, copied some music and taught myself. I still don't think that I'm very good but 3 years later, it actually sounds like a song! I'm now trying my hand at writing my own songs. They all tend to sound the same. I love the chords Bm, Am7, and C#m7.

11. I'm actually trying really hard to think about 11 other things to put here. I'm thinking that I'll talk about some of my favorite things. Maybe give a testimony or two...here's the countdown!

10. I've always wanted to be an Interior Designer, go to college for it, open up my own business, and bring life to peoples homes. I planned my home-schooled, high school career to aim toward this plan. Well, God had a very different plan. When I was about to send my application in to Virginia Mardi College, God clearly spoke to me and said, "this is not what I have for you. You are going into full-time ministry." Long story short: God took away my desire for this and I enrolled in my church's intern program. I've never regretted this decision.

9. I prefer reading to watching movies or television. Although I do looove movies. Reading takes me to a place that I can't go when watching a movie. I can't imagine the scenery, hear the characters voices, peek into their thoughts; when watching a movie. I have many books. I have read over 2,000 books since the time I was 11. I know this because I used to keep a notebook of all the books i've read. I used to read 3 or 4 at a time. I carried (and still do) books with me so I had something to do, no matter where I was. Because of this, I never played sports.

8. When I started becoming interested in guys, I realized that it's important to have sport knowledge. At least understand what a quarter back is! A guy I liked at the time was really into football. Desperate for conversation and wanting to impress him, I looked up football rules, stats, players, plays, etc. He brought up a conversation about football one time and I launched into a rant. I think I intimidated him because he had nothing to teach me after this. Lesson I learned: Guys like to teach girls about sports. Leave something for them to teach you.

7. I hate bugs. Insects. Spiders. *shiver* I don't think they're cute and don't want to have anything crawling on me. There is nothing fun about feeling a hundred legs on my arm. I like snakes, lizards, iguana's...those creatures are cool. Most of the time they don't bite or harm me. Yes. Bugs harm me. They create itching and bites. I somehow attract the fleas from my cats and so last summer my legs looked diseased. It was pretty gross. So, yeah. Bugs are nasty. the end.

6. I've always been set apart. Have never really fit in to any specific group or wanted to. When I had a group of friends, I still felt like an outcast. Probably an insecurity of mine, but I just want a real connection. I find that I prefer to have friendships one-on-one. I subconsciously avoid groups at parties and tend to go from person to person. I think it's more relational this way.

5. I have never really officially been in an actual dating relationship. In Jr. High and High school, I liked the same guy. I always wanted God to bring whoever it was I was supposed to be with, to me. I didn't want to have multiple ex-boyfriends and think that dating casually is really just practicing for divorce. It teaches you discontentment and in a sense, disloyalty. I did however date one guy on and off for about 6 months. This was not a godly relationship and so there was nothing really good out of it. I had fun, don't get me wrong; but it caused problems. Why did I say that I've never officially been in a dating relationship? Because this guy and i never had an "official date", we constantly were second guessing what exactly we were and there was alot of confusion. I don't really know exactly what to call this. At the same time, i don't regret it.

4. I try to live with NO regrets. The past is what molds us into who we are in the present. Looking back at past mistakes long enough to learn and grow from them is ok. Regret tends to keep a person from moving forward, always wishing they wouldn't have done or said this or that. In reality, having never done or said this or that would not have brought a lesson to their life. Our past usually tends to help someone else through their present.

3. I am not an alcoholic. I like the taste of alcohol but don't think it's that big of a deal. Alcoholism runs through all sides of my family and I refuse to add myself to the cycle. I have tasted a variety of drinks at family events but don't make a big stink out of it because it really isn't. I think that when people make a mountain out of a molehill, that person tends to want to climb it instead of hop over it. Like, a kid who has a parent that talks up drinking so much that it is such a forbidden thing, will naturally make the kid want to try it and maybe participate in it. Why? Because we all have a rebel inside of us. Give no reason to rebel and this won't really be an issue.

2. I am proud to say that I am a complete virgin. I believe that sex is a gift from God and is blessed in a marriage only. I view it as a physical model of intimacy with God. There is love, oneness, unity, emotion, connection, etc; and it is the most emotional, physical, and spiritual connection that a person can ever have. I vow to save myself for marriage and encourage you to do the same :)

1. I love family. My mom is my best friend, we can talk about anything and everything and constantly do. I have 8 brothers (2 of them are step) and love them all! Technically, by biological terms, I am an only child. My mom and my dad have only created me. They had gotten divorced before I was born and both remarried and had other children. well, boys. I love having brothers. I see as I get older, that by being around all boys, i have a greater connection with guys and tend to be friends with them more than girls. They're just way cooler! I love the difference in opinion, world view, past times, etc. Even the way they worship and hear from God is slightly different than a females. It's a complete person when two are together. So yeah, family. I love them. Family is always honest with me, there for me, backing me up, picking fights, causing drama, loving, caring... I wouldn't be who I am today without the blessing of the family that I have.

so that's about it folks! Hope you learned something haha!

Thoughts and grace and an abounding love from God

Thoughts as of today...because if I don't write them down, they'll stay in my head, and if they stay in my head; I'll get distracted. I don't need a distraction. I have a heart for the lost. A deep passionate desire - a longing, really - to see people come to know God. Not know about Him. Not know His character. Know Him. Deeply. Intimately. Relationally. Lovingly. Know Him. I believe this to be the greatest privilage that we as Christ followers have! We have the wonderful, gracious invitation to come into God's presence and talk with Him, get to know Him, tell Him what we like and hate and what confuses us and what bothers us...it's a marvelous invitation. I want people to receive that very invitation.

I have a heart for evangelism. I believe wholly that the Great Commission of Matthew 28:19-20 that Jesus gave us, isn't just an option but a command. And this command isn't to go and make converts, but to go and make disciples. It breaks my heart that there are so many "christians" but they are only experiencing the beginning of the beginning. They don't know that imitating Christ is to keep Him alive on this earth. They don't know that we can talk to Him and He talks back. They don't know that reading your Bible and praying and going to church isn't to fulfill a religious obligation but it's like going on a date with God Himself. I want them to know that. There are so many religions in the world! The one I don't understand isn't really a religion so much as a faith; this is athiesm. The Bible states in proverbs that "the fool says in his heart, there is no god". It's an absolutely proposterous idea to not believe in God. Nothing else offers the answers to all of life's questions like His Holy scriptures do, and nothing else makes sense. Since I was little, I always thought that of all the religions and cults, athiests would be the "easiest to convert"; because all i had to do was show them that there is a God. I have recently found out that this is not the case. Perhaps for an atheist who is doubting the idea that god does not exist, but not for one who is deceived and convinced to the point of not even wanting to find out for sure. My five month relationship with an atheist has only proven my theory wrong. It was a tough and bitter struggle that only resulted in his irritation and my tears. Many times I cried out to God to just open his eyes to His truth; but it was to no avail. Well, actually, no immediate avail. I don't like waiting. I don't like knowing that someone doesn't just believe already, and I don't like that God seems to take His sweet time in pursuing someone and then doesn't override their freewill to make them see...and I really don't like the thought that some people will just never see. I refuse to let this man: Ryan Laneville, to slip through the cracks. I will pray and intercede and fast for this one, because he deserves answers, he needs a real, substantial foundation; and that is only found in God. This is what I have endured for the last 5 months. This year, 2010, we broke up and if it is God's will that we become friends in a later time, then so be it.

I really tire of surrender and screw up and surrender. I hate that cycle. There's more to living and there's more to a life of freedom in Christ that this clutter just shouldn't happen. I could break down into tears even now just thinking about it. About how stupid we humans...we God's people, God's children..really are. I read the account of the Israelites and their repeated cycle of "worship God-worship idols-worship God-worship idols" and wonder how they could take something such as being God's chosen people, so lightly. After all He has done for them and all the miracles and provisions and grace He has extended to them. Then God stopped me mid thought and said, "This is how it still is. This is what you do. This is what my church does. But I still love them." I don't understand that! We really do take this whole thing for granted. Goodness! We even have the audacity to think "hmm, maybe this isn't really true anyway..." Oh! Our feeble, human minds. God blows away the laws of gravity, physics, and life in general and we STILL doubt. Oh God, how can you stand this?! How can you put up with us?! This is where being in awe of God, really comes into play. I have no patience. That is a major flaw and downfall in my character. Here is God, abounding in love and mercy and patience. My God is a patient God! He loves me so much, all of us, and is willing to put up with our mishaps and doubts and questions if it only draws us into Him. And here's the sinker, even when we turn and walk away...He still loves us and waits. I can't even imagine that. What an awesome God. And those are not just words either, that is truth. There are no other words that compare to that...awesome. Hm, what does this word even mean? I think that a problem with people and especially christians with our religious jargon; we use words that we rarely comprehend the meaning of. Oh Lord, give us understanding!